Dear Angel
by Drusilla6
Summary: Buffy writes Angel and tells him the real reason she was depressed after coming back from Heaven. She rememered something she wasn't supposed to. (WIP)
1. Dear Angel

Dear Angel,  
  
I don't know if I'll ever send this letter. I just had to write it. Had to get it out on to paper. Even if this makes it more true. All my friends and family, even Spike, they all think they know the truth. They have no idea what the truth is. I finally let go of some of it. They wouldn't be able to handle it all. It would hurt too much to share with them. Right now I can't even share it with you. Especially you.  
  
They All thought I was depressed because they tore me out of heaven. That was only part of it. If it was only that I would have been fine in a few weeks. It was so much more then that. They wouldn't believe me if I told them.  
  
The moment that I came back it was like I was reliving my whole life. I remembered all of it. I went through every single moment in seconds. Before I took my first breath of air. It slammed into me. It was so much, over twenty years of my life. I remembered things I didn't know I forgot.  
  
  
  
Then I took my first breath of air and looked around. I was inside of a coffin. Buried alive, I was terrified. Is that a vampires first moments? I tore myself out and forgot all my memories. I just ran, there was monsters everywhere. I thought I was in hell. Dawn brought me back down to earth, and we fixed the monster thing. They found out the Slayer was back and ran.  
  
Late at night I was back in my old bed. Surrounded by all my things. Nothing but the Buffy robot had been around them for weeks. I was gone months, replaced with a robot. I couldn't sleep so many thoughts running through my mind. But I didn't know why. Finally after nights and nights of restlessness I remembered.  
  
Angel, I remembered it all.  
  
Our lost day. Something happened when I was brought back to life. The powers that be weren't involved. They didn't have a chance to hide it again. To keep me from knowing the truth.  
  
Once I knew it hurt more then I could bear. I don't understand how you could give it all up. You were human. I felt your heart beat, I saw you breathe. I know it was real, I just know it. We could have been happy, you know it.  
  
You said you wanted to protect me. Keep me alive because you love me so much. We don't even talk now. I know when you heard I died you went on a journey for months. Do you live with the same pain I do? Every single day? Knowing what could have been. No what should have been?  
  
I will never love someone the way I love you Angel. That was the best day of my entire life, you took it away from me. I knew I'd remember somehow. I felt so sure I would know. I do now. I know the truth. We could have been together.  
  
I could have protect you. Or Willow could have done a spell. There were so many things. You always worried too much about me. Never enough about yourself. If you would have just let us be together, we could have protected each other.  
  
These thoughts spin through my mind every single do. And I wonder if they spin through yours. I tried to hide from them. I did bad things. Stupid things. Anything to make them go away. I nearly lost myself. I tried to hurt myself.  
  
I tried to hide myself in Spike's arms. It didn't work. He wasn't you. He could never be you. No one could. I thought I could replace you but it didn't work. That one day brought so much back. All the good moments and the bad.  
  
I wish I had one more day with you. You promised me I could, that we'd have another day. Part of me hates you for that. But how can I hate you when you gave me what I wanted for so long? A chance to feel like a normal girl, with her normal boyfriend. For a day we were normal. And I wish I had it back. Even just one more day with you.  
  
Now I know that day happened, it can never be taken back. I don't want it to. It hurts but it helps me to remember. I know you remember too. We didn't have enough time, we never did. It was too short. If I could do it all over again I would have stayed up all night with you like I wanted. Then so much of what happened wouldn't have happened.  
  
Maybe you were right and one of us would be dead. I died anyway didn't I? A girl can only be brought back to life so many times. Even though we don't talk I can still feel you sometimes. It's good to know you're still here alive.  
  
You are so much stronger and braver then me. I wish I could be like you. You lived with it for so many days. You never said anything. I remembered when it changed back, I was so cold. How could you stand it? I always knew you were strong, to live with what the demon in you did. No one could be as strong as you. Not even the Slayer.  
  
When I came back from death and you heard. I had to see you immediately. I thought maybe you knew. That you could feel it. You didn't say anything about it. You just held me all night long. We cried together and we kissed. It felt so good to be in your arms again. Even though it hurt.  
  
That lost day kept playing over and over on repeat in my mind. I tried to make it stop but it wouldn't. That day meant more to me then you'll ever know. Maybe it was on your mind too. I couldn't bring it up then. It was too fresh, it was like it just happened. I was scared that if we talked about it I wouldn't be able to leave. That just made me cry more. I didn't want to make you sad like me.  
  
I went home and I had that burden on my shoulders for days. I try not to think about it so much now. I will always remember. Even if I live to be 106, I'll remember. I hope by then we could talk about it. Or I'll at least send this.  
  
You never made me weaker Angel, you made me stronger. As strong as you. I will always love you. Maybe one day you'll be human again and we can be together. Like we should have been. For now, I'm in Sunnydale and you're in LA. We're worlds apart. You're with me always.  
  
I know that when we talk the time melts away and it's like it's always been. Whenever we're together it feels the same. Since the first day I met you. I know you felt it too. We're connected to each other. You once asked me if I was still your girl. I said always, and I meant it. That will never change. You should know that much about me.  
  
We had one beautiful, normal day together. It can't be erased and I don't want it to be. It shows that maybe we could have that someday. It's not all pain and death and evil. There are good moments too. Still it haunts me, the maybes. Knowing it could all be different.  
  
I still see you in my future. I can't help it. You're always there when I need you. Even when I don't know I need you, you're there. The one person I can really count on. But I can't see you every day. I can't even talk to you face to face about this. And I want to so bad. I loved you so much, and I killed you. You loved me and you turned back our day. We deserve happiness, after all we've been through. And after all we've been through, I'm still yours. Even death couldn't stop that. I love you until the end of the world.  
  
Still yours,  
  
Buffy 


	2. Dear Diary

Dear Diary, I am freaking out. I just kept pacing around my room. Over and over again. Talking to myself. Mumbling, muttering, whispering, yelling. I think I was scaring Dawn, she knocked a few times asking to come in. I thought I should write down what I was thinking. Get it all down, try to make sense of it all. I don't think I can make any sense of it all. I have so many thoughts and they're all so different. Coming from every direction. They just won't stop, they keep coming.  
  
I wrote a really important letter to Angel a few months ago and I couldn't find it this morning. It had everything I was afraid to tell him in it. Everything I really wanted to tell him but couldn't. Not in person. I couldn't tell anyone. It's too much for them. It's too much for me. I'm just barely handeling it now. I don't know if I'll ever tell them. I didn't even want to tell Angel. Not yet. It happened years ago, but it's still too soon.  
  
I am such an idiot. I actually put it in an envelope. I even addressed the letter. Stamp and all. I just noticed it was gone a few hours ago. I searched all over my room and I couldn't find it. I found things I hadn't seen in years and years. Since we moved into the house. But no letter.  
  
I thought so many things. Maybe I just threw it away. Or dreamed up the whole letter. Or I put it somewhere for safe keeping and forgot. But no, I looked everywhere. I turned my room upside down. It was gone.  
  
I asked Dawn, she had no idea about any letter. She asked what I wrote. Like I could tell her. I told her it was none of her business. It's not her business. It's my life. She would only feel sorry for me. I don't need that now. I hate when people feel sorry for me. Then I went to Willow and asked her. She looked shocked, and I knew she did it. I knew she found it and sent it. It was gone.  
  
Still I asked her. "Did you? Willow please tell me you didn't send my letter." I asked her more intensely. Her eyes were looking for an escape anywhere. I knew that look. It was the look of someone who was trapped.  
  
Willow's been feeling all guilty about the whole turning evil thing. She decided to clean my room while I was at Sunnydale High and she found the letter behind my desk. She figured I thought I sent the letter and didn't realize it was behind my desk. How could she do such a thing?  
  
It's my room. She had no right to go in. No right to touch my stuff. How could she have sent it? In just a few minutes, something that was safely in my room was in the mailbox. Then a little while later, gone taken by the mailman. Sent away to LA, to Angel. Where he would read every word I spent so long writing. So long thinking about. I composed that letter in my head so many times. And in just a little while it was gone.  
  
She just took it and dropped it in the mailbox. I started yelling at her, I couldn't believe she had done this to me. She looked so hurt, I felt bad. I couldn't stop yelling until I saw Dawn. There were so many questions on both their faces. I couldn't answer it, I can't, I don't want to. Ever. Still I'm so angry at Willow. It's not even her fault, it's mine.  
  
I did it all, not her. Me. I need to be responsible for myself. I'm the adult now, I have a job. I take care of Dawn. I'm Buffy, I'm an adult. I need to act like one. For a long time I didn't think I could. I still wish I had help. Willow and Xander are some help, but they have problems and lives of their own. You grow up fast in Sunnydale. It's a hard place to live in.  
  
Diary, I haven't even gotten to the worst part. She did it five days ago. Five long days ago. Angel must have the letter now. He knows. He knows everything. God he even knows about Spike. I'm crying now. Angel knows what no one else knows. What I couldn't tell even Spike. Angel knows the thoughts I could barely tell myself.  
  
I can't believe I told Spike anything. He was just there. Easy to tell. He knew what it was like not to belong I guess. He wouldn't be freaked out by it all. I should've told someone else. Anyone else. I know if Angel was around, I could have told him. I can't do that. I can't do that anymore. Blame Angel's absence for everything I do. He's been gone four years now. And I died during that time.  
  
And Angel, survived. He was able to live without me. I didn't think he'd be able to. I barely functioned without him. I ran away. I couldn't bare to be there without him. Even when he was evil, I still had him. He wasn't really gone. I always thought I could get him back. I did, but it wasn't long enough. I died, just like him I was gone from this world. When I come back everything was different.  
  
Angel should have known it all. I think maybe he did. He was just scared like me. That one short day, was the best of my life. And I think in his 250 years, it was his best day too. Now Angel really does know it all. He knows I remember.  
  
I never thought remembering could be so painful. That it could spark so many thoughts. So many bad thoughts, that it physically hurts. Never thought it could be so hard or difficult. Or cause so many problems. It's not Angel's fault though, it's mine. I did everything wrong.  
  
I really messed up with everything. I handled it all wrong. Letting Spike do all those things to me. Just wanting to feel something, anything. I felt there had to me something wrong inside me. But there wasn't. It was just me. My head was messed up. Couldn't see straight. I can see now. After everything I did, I can finally see clearly.  
  
Oh god. Angel knows. Everything I was afraid to say, he knows. I have to do something. I thought writing it down would help me figure it out. But it hasn't. Should I just let Angel do something first? I know he'll do something. It's Angel. He'll call or visit. Won't he?  
  
What if he doesn't? What if he wants to forget it ever happened? Maybe it didn't mean as much to him as it did to me. No, I know it meant a lot to him. It had to. Probably meant even more. He was human, for the first time in more then two hundred years. He was really alive.  
  
I never realized Angel was so good at pushing down and hiding his feelings. It explains a lot. I think I know him better now then ever before. I don't think he even knows how strong he is.  
  
I can't just sit here. Waiting for Angel to do something. I'm the Slayer, we don't sit and wait. We take action. I have to do something. I have to see him. That's what I have to do. Just leave now and drive to LA. Right now. There's nothing else for me to do/ I'll borrow Xander's car and go now.  
  
I'm actually scared. What if things have changed so much that we can't talk? It's been months since I've talked to him. We have what Angel wanted, different lives. He doesn't know that's not what I want. I told him when I was a teenager, that he was what I saw in my future. I still see him. He's all I see, all I want to see. I don't think I'd be who I am without him. He taught me just as much as my mom and Giles did.  
  
I don't know what I'll say to Angel. I have the whole car ride to think about it. I don't regret writing that letter, I don't. Maybe this is just fate's way of getting us together. I don't know if this will be good, or bad or what. I just know I have to go. Have to get things straight with Angel. One way or another. I hope this isn't the end. -Buffy 


	3. Dear Buffy

Dear Buffy,  
  
When the mail came the other day I never expected your letter. Usually I can feel you, even if I don't know it's you. I was looking through the mail and there you were. Buffy Summers, Sunnydale. I had pushed everything so far back in my mind. Dealing with everything from day to day.  
  
But you know how it is with us Buffy, just once second of you and me and time stands still. I was staring at the letter until Gunn came in. Then I just left him and went into my office. I opened it up. I don't know what I expected but it was nothing like what I read.  
  
I've been thinking about it the past few days. It's been quiet lately, too quiet. It gave me time to think and brood in my office, I'm still good at that. Disappearing and hiding in my office. I've read your letter so many times I know each word by heart. I could recite it to anyone. And I recite it over and over to myself.  
  
I know you don't think so Buffy, but I regret leaving you everyday. I thought it was for the best, a part of me still does. The part that wants to do what's best for you. I have too many things fighting inside of me. Trying to do what's right. I may not be quite human but I make mistakes just the same. I did what I thought was right.  
  
I was buried too Buffy. I remember that feeling. Not knowing where I was, clawing my way out. But I had someone waiting for me. You never should have gone through that. They shouldn't have done that to you. I was so angry when you told me what they did. I wish you had told me everything then.  
  
I've been reading books for so many years. Books in all different languages. I never read anything more important then your letter in my life. I never knew one sheet of paper could be that important.  
  
When I read that you remembered I was so overwhelmed. I almost couldn't read further. Images from our lost day bounced around in my head. Your words. But I did, I had to find out. You told me you'd never forgot, but I didn't believe it. I hoped it was true. Then we went back like we were supposed to. I looked into your eyes for some recognition, some sign, any sign that you remembered even a little. I saw nothing.  
  
I crumbled inside. To look into the persons eyes that you love and shared such an amazing day, and just have sadness look back. I saw that you were still angry for me leaving you all those months ago.  
  
After you went to sleep that night. I left for the powers to be. I wanted to make sure we'd have hundreds of days like that. I wanted to make sure they couldn't take it away. I went to them and they told me that one of us would die if we couldn't protect each other. I knew that if I was human, you would die. And that would kill me too.  
  
Except for one thing. You did die, and I stayed alive well undead. You died, and I was still around. And I was ok. That was what I couldn't handle. I left for months, trying to find myself. Then I knew there was nothing to find and I came home.  
  
Soon you were back. Then everything made sense again. You were alive, that's why I didn't die. Because you came back. It was the way it was supposed to be. I ran out to meet you. I knew there was something you weren't telling me. I never imagined it was so big.  
  
That day meant just as much to me as it did to you. I was just how I always wanted to be too. I was happy. Even back when I was young, I wanted something more. I wanted you. I was finally human, and in love. With the most beautiful and amazing girl next to me. Believe me, I didn't want to give it up. I didn't want to give you up either. I had to, I couldn't protect you that way.  
  
You're right Buffy, we could have been together. With me weak and you trying to protect me we probably wouldn't have been together very long. You might have ended up resenting me. Willow could have tired to find a spell. I worry for you Buffy. I never used to worry. Now I'm so far away from you. I couldn't feel you. I feel you now.  
  
I try not to think about that day. I live from day to day. You can't change the past Buffy. I can't change it. No matter how much I wish I could. No matter how much I wish things could have been different. I think things are meant to be the way they are now. We're apart but we'll fly to each other's side at a moments notice if we need each other. I wasn't there the time it counted.  
  
I think about those things Buffy. If I had been there you wouldn't have died. If I had been there you wouldn't have gone through all that pain. If I had been there you wouldn't have done those things to hurt yourself. I could kill Spike. How could you go to Spike Buffy? He's evil. He's not me at all. He's done horrible things. Some worse then what I did. You never really knew him Buffy, not the way I did. He's just as dark as I am, darker. He has fun with it.  
  
I'm sorry I promised you another day. I thought we would have another day, hundreds of them. I couldn't have known it would be gone like that. I wish I could have been happy living in the moment with you. But I had to see what would happen next. I didn't like what they told me so I changed it all  
  
As I watched the second hand get closer to twelve, you threw your arms around me and you were crying. Promising to remember. I closed my eyes and took it all back. Took back telling the oracles to turn back time. I didn't want it anymore. All I wanted was you. But it was too late. We were back in my office. You were telling me you wanted us to keep our distance. I knew you really forgot, and it was gone. I'd be the only one to remember. I never told anyone about it. I thought it really was lost. Then you were gone.  
  
Buffy, I'm not brave, I'm not strong. I'm just good at keeping things bottled up. Hiding what I really feel. There's no trick to that. Late at night when everyone's asleep I still think about it. No matter how much I try not to. All the things I wish I could take back. I'm not strong Buffy, I'm weak. Always been weak.  
  
You saved me, not the other way around. You made me want to be a man again. And for one day, you brought me into the light. That's what I always wanted for you. I thought I could be that for you. You're stronger then me. Even death can't beat you. Remember Christmas? You saved me then, you made me feel like I belonged.  
  
Holding you in my arms after you came back. it was just like our lost day. We were together. A perfect fit. But you kept crying, I cried too. I cried for you, and for us and for that day. That never should have happened. But I'm glad it did Buffy. It may hurt but it also makes me happy. It gives me hope for the future. If there can be one day like that, why not thousands? I'm just afraid to hope they'll with you. Now that you remember it can't be taken away from you. We'll always remember it.  
  
You were the only girl to ever love me and the only girl I ever loved. You saw the beast in me, literally and you kissed me. You weren't afraid of it. You faced my dark side and you won. I still love you Buffy, I know I always will. You're a part of me. You're the humanity in me.  
  
I can still remember the first day I saw you. Outside of your school. You were so beautiful and unaware of everything. The beginning of your destiny. You were just standing in front of your school smiling. I knew what was coming and all I wanted to do was to protect you. I still do. Everytime I leave you it gets harder. They never said doing the right thing was so hard. And I don't even know what's right anymore.  
  
I don't even know why I'm writing this letter. It's silly. We should be able to talk to each other. Face to face. Get out everything we wanted to say, but were too afraid to. Hiding behind lines on sheets of paper won't get us anywhere. Maybe I just had to write this all out before I knew what I had to do. I have to see you. We have to talk, in person.  
  
Still, I don't know if I'll be able to go through with this. In case I can't I'll mail this letter. I might be able to turn a car around but I can't take back this letter. Maybe that's my problem. I keep taking things back.  
  
~~Still your Angel 


	4. A Dear Meeting

Buffy had been speeding to Angel. Heading to him and his hotel but she never ended up there. Instead she had somehow ended up at his old mansion in Sunnydale. She couldn't remember how but she stared out of the car window at the looming building. Buffy opened the car door, stepped out and slammed the door, piercing the silence. She walked slowly into the Mansion, for the first time in years she felt small and insignificant.  
  
She slowly knelt down on the floor by the fireplace. She stared into the floor, which still had the oh so faint bare Angel outline. From when he came back from another dimension, an evil horrible hell dimension. Near that spot on the floor she had left the claddagh ring he had given. He had come back from the hell dimension just as she was finally ready to try moving on. Of course she could never truly move on, how can a person forget their soul mate? When you're soul mates, you're eternally linked.  
  
Angel watched from the doorway as Buffy tentatively traced his burnt outline on the floor with her finger. He also didn't know how or why he came to be at the mansion, his thoughts had been racing and he wasn't paying attention when he drove. He had been driving to Buffy's house when he ended up here instead. As Angel watched Buffy, she stopped tracing and slowly lifted her head up and met his gaze. She wasn't surprised to see him, just as he hadn't been surprised to see her.  
  
Buffy blushed faintly in the dark shadowy mansion, then she realized there was no reason to be embarrassed. This was Angel, her Angel. His soulful brown eyes bore into her own light brown ones. She slowly stood up and smiled shyly.  
  
"Angel." She said quietly, somehow through her frantic driving she had been expecting him to meet her.  
  
"Buffy." Angel nodded slightly. He knew that whatever happened tonight, it was unstoppable, meant to be. It was part of fate.  
  
"So now you know." She said in a voice stronger then she thought she had. Angel slowly nodded in his solemn way. Then just seconds later they were in each other's arms embracing, fast as lightning.  
  
They held onto each other tightly, "I should have been there." He whispered into her hair. He was talking more to himself then Buffy. She pulled away from him so she could see his face.  
  
"You didn't know." She said looking down at their feet. She didn't want to meet his gaze.  
  
"But I did. I knew something was different the last time I saw you." Angel insisted. Buffy looked up at Angel, only mildly surprised.  
  
"Isn't it amazing how everything can change in just a few seconds?" Buffy asked. Referring to dozens of events in her and Angel's lives. In seconds he had lost his soul and turned into the evil Angelus after they made love and he experienced true happiness. In seconds he regained his soul thanks to Willow's spell. But seconds too late, Angelus had woken the demon Acthla and opened a hell dimension. Buffy was forced to kill him, in seconds he was gone from her life. Seconds had turned back time, no how much she wanted to remember, the seconds stole her memory. All the seconds of the best day of her life, gone in an instant. When she was brought back from the dead, it was the seconds that gave back the lost day and left her empty. Hollow inside.  
  
Seconds were no longer a time to Buffy and Angel. It was a living, breathing entity, which kept playing mind games with them. While that spun through Buffy's mind, Angel was mentally rereading her letter. Most vampires having amazing photographic memory and Angel was one of the best.  
  
"You slept with Spike?" Angel asked, his voice seeped in hurt and pain. It wasn't a question, he already knew the answer. He just somehow hoped it would be denied, that it was untrue.  
  
"Yes." Buffy said in a childish voice. He sometimes forgot she was so young. She usually seemed wise beyond her few years. "I don't even know why I wrote it. I wasn't thinking." Buffy didn't notice it but while she spoke she walked further and further away from Angel.  
  
"I know why. You wanted to hurt me for hurting you." Angel stood still waiting Buffy's retreating figure.  
  
"No." Buffy protested as she stopped walking. "That's not it. I just.. I used to tell you everything. We shared something really deep Angel. We stopped being able to talk. We started telling each other nothing. I used to be able to feel you. Even in L.A. in the beginning, I can't anymore. I can barely feel you now.  
  
"There were so many times I wanted to tell you. Especially the days after. After time was turned back, I saw the pain in you. I was angry at myself for leaving you I couldn't bear to talk to you, so I left you again. Then months went by and you just seemed better off not knowing. With me dealing with all the pain of remembering. I stayed away, I thought it was for the best."  
  
"Then I died." Buffy stated matter of factly.  
  
"And then you died."Angel repeated, facing the horror of those words. He tried to stay as calm as Buffy seemed to be. He slowly walked over to her. "I was left behind. Without my soul mate. Somehow I was still here, still a part of this world. I didn't save you and I should have. I wasn't even there to try to protect you."  
  
"You should have been. I thought of you." Buffy whispered.  
  
"When I came back from Plyea I knew. As soon as I saw Willow, I could sense your absence in this world. I left for months, traveling the world. Trying to figure out how I could still be alive. I always thought that the moment you died, I would die too. But I didn't and I hated myself for it. For existing when I shouldn't, when I should have died years ago. For existing when you didn't and you should have." Angel blinked back tears.  
  
"You existed for me." Buffy said softly. "You were still here so you could keep on doing good for me. So I could still be remembered, evil could still be fault. I died and the world kept spinning. Evil kept fighting, you kept fighting." Buffy raised an unsteady hand and placed it on Angel's cheek. "We exist for each other. When you died a part of you was still with me."  
  
"You were still with me." Angel whispered back. Buffy melted into his arms and cried. Let herself be enveloped into his big strong arms, the only place she ever felt safe. They ended up in Angel's bed holding each other, letting all their sadness and love wash over them. 


End file.
